The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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