theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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