I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
