he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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