i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
