remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
