I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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