my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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