The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
