Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
