you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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