On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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