Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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