dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
