I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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