god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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