i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
