I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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