I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
