i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
