Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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