The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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