I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
