hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
