Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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