you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
