I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Randomize
