I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
