who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
