i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
