I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
