I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
