my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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