So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Of course I have a pirate flag
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
