wakey wakey hands off snakey
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
COCAINE IS GR8
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
