Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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