i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
