And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I touched a dick in church today
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
