You're my little dorito
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
