If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
