I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCK WHALES
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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