I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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