Im at strip club and am horny
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We had to coat check the pizza.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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