He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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