I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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