when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
