Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
