yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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