your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
