Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
