After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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