Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
