Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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