he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
they're like a gay fantastic four
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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