I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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