so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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